Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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