I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
