Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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