Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
