I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
