those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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