just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
