the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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