break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
