Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
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