If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
