Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
