You really coming over, don't trick.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
