The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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