every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
