Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
