Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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