So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
