You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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