I should be sponsored by Trojan
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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