I smell stomach acid.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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