I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize