I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
