The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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