U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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