Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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