I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
