mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
