Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
