i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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