I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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