JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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