The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There was a lot of him and a little penis
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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