I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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