Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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