You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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