K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
