someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Less talking, more tequila
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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