His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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