I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
