he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
