i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
