Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
