my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
