I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
