Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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