i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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