You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
