I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
