I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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