i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
