Sober January is a disaster.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
