Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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