fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
