You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
