There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
two words...techno handjob
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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