doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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