you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
