I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
