I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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