there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
